Are we there yet?

March 27 - April 2, 2017

By Jay Edwards

Because I thought it was time again, but more because I had nothing to write about, I went online and took another of those life expectancy tests. Last time I did this, I had just turned 54, so it was six years ago, because on May 17 I’ll turn 60…WHAAAAT!!!

And maybe I’m feeling more mortal, because it’s the day before I’m scheduled for an ultrasound at Baptist, to see if it’s time to part ways with my gall bladder (Oh dear gall bladder, I hardly knew ye!)

Driving back to work that same day I got a call from Mary at Baptist, who wanted to pre-register me. Great, I said to her, anything that will save time in the morning. So she started with the usual questions, Where do you live? Where do you work? Are you married? (Haven’t you heard of KM, Mary?) Have you been out of the country the past 21 days? Has anyone recently told you that you have Ebola? You know, the usual stuff.

Then Mary asked me if I had a religious preference, which caught me a little off guard. I guess I was quiet long enough for her to say, “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.” And I told her, “I think I’ll choose not to.” Which, I hope is not looked at as some kind of denial. A few minutes later I wished I’d said. “I prefer the one that gets me into heaven.” But hey, we can’t always be on.

Back to the longevity test, when I got to the Age category, they already had 60 plugged in, which makes me think that we Boomers from 1957 have too much time on our hands and are wasting it on longevity tests.

I gave my weight (231 if you must know) Height (6’4”) and marital status (the aforementioned KM).

For employment I checked – Currently Working (well, maybe not at this exact moment).

Exercise – a couple of workouts a week.

General Health – I put Very Good (based on this week’s blood pressure of 117/78, but with an asterisk because of this gall bladder mystery)

Alcohol – I put 2-7 drinks a week. (That’s my story and I’m sticking to it)

Smoking – I quit, last May 17 actually, when I got pneumonia on my birthday and still played in the Fr. Tribou Memorial Golf Tournament (We came in 2nd in our flight)

They also asked how much I had smoked, and the minimum option was ½ pack a day, which was more than I smoked but I checked it anyway.

Next they asked for my email, so they could send my results; and also allowing them to pester me every day with ways I can live longer. I gave it and seconds later got my result, which, is that I will live to be 85.

When I took this test, from another website, six years ago, they said I was going to live to be 82. Of course, the longer I live, the longer I’ll be expected to live. For instance, if I were to take this test again in 25 years, when I’m 85, I doubt it will say, “You are going to live to be 85.” Which would give me only weeks, or even minutes, to make something of myself.

And that test I took six years ago was much more thorough, asking questions about my diet, how much sleep I got, did I wear a seatbelt, and even how my general attitude was. Today if I answered that one, I’d pick, “Cheerful, relaxed, approachable.”

But tomorrow before my ultrasound, I’m sure it will change to “Stressed, irritable, and panicky.”

Jay Edwards is publisher of the Daily Record. Contact him at jedwards@dailydata.com.