Are we there yet?
July 24-30, 2017
A few more last words
By Jay Edwards
• “Murphy A. Dreher Jr. Born June 17 1930 Died March 26 1987 - This ain’t so bad, once you get used to it.”
• “Jerry Bibb Balisok Born Sept. 8 1955, Murdered in Guyana Nov. 13 1978, Buried in Oakland Cal. May 1979, Damn the State Dept.”
Jerry Bibb Balisok’s epitaph is the story of a heartbroken mother. Balisok disappeared in 1977, two weeks before he was to stand trial for writing bad checks. After not hearing from her son for two years, Marjorie Balisok, his mother, became convinced that she had spotted her son’s body in a picture of aftermath of the Jonestown massacre. The State Department and the FBI investigated Jerry Balisok and concluded that he never left the United States, but Marjorie was positive her son was dead, and furious that she was unable to cash in on his insurance money since there was no body. Unfortunately, Marjorie died in 1983—seven years before her son would resurface under an assumed name. He was convicted of attempted murder and given a 20-year prison sentence in 1993.
• “Here lie the ashes of Dorothy Parker (1893-1967) Humorist, writer, critic, defender of human and civil rights. For her epitaph she suggested ‘Excuse My Dust.’ This memorial garden is dedicated to her noble spirit, which celebrated the oneness of humankind, and to the bonds of everlasting friendship between Black and Jewish people.”
You’d expect nothing less than a tongue-in-cheek epitaph from the acid pen of Dorothy Parker. Besides suggesting, “Excuse my dust” as her final goodbye, she also liked, “This is on me.”
• “Merv Griffin July 6, 1925 – August 12, 2007 – I will not be right back after this message”
Legendary talk show host Merv Griffin wrote his own epitaph before his death, choosing this one over “I told you I was sick,” a favorite amongst epitaph jokesters. People magazine reports that he chose «Stay tuned,» but «I will not be right back...» must have won out before engraving was finalized.
• Sir Jeffery Hudson 1619 – 1682 “A Dwarf presented in a pie to King Charles 1st”
To be clear, Sir Jeffery Hudson didn’t die from being baked in a pie. It was apparently just his claim to fame—one that follows him even more than 300 years after his death.
• “Ma loves Pa – Pa loves women. Ma caught pa with two in swimming. Here lies Pa. Lawrence L. Cook 10-29-1934 to 8-1-2004
Mr. Cook passed away in 2004 after “a long illness,” and his wife died in 1999, so his epitaph is likely meant to make visitors laugh—not provide a recap of his last moments.
• “Jack Lemmon in”
Before his death, Academy Award winner Jack Lemmon was able to specify that he wanted his tombstone to be his final marquee. His instructions were followed to the letter—not even dates of birth or death.
• A monument in Arlington, Massachusetts, on Massachusetts Avenue near Pleasant Street, reads:
“Near this spot, Samuel Whittemore, then 80 years old, killed three British soldiers, April 19, 1775. He was shot, bayoneted, beaten and left for dead, but recovered and lived to be 98 years of age.”
• “George W. Harris Jr. - I knew this would happen”
• “Ludolph van Ceulen: 3.14159265358979323846264338327950”
Math students will recognize the number on Dutch mathematician Ludolph van Ceulen’s grave as pi -- the mathematical constant used to calculate the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter. Van Ceulen, who died from unknown causes in 1610 at age 70, was the first to calculate the value of pi to 35 digits. He was so proud of this achievement that he asked that the number be engraved on his tombstone.
Jay Edwards is publisher of the Daily Record. Contact him at jedwards@dailydata.com.
