Are We There Yet?

June 10-16, 2019

By Jay Edwards


I was at the Kroger out on Chenal the other day, which I split time 50/50 with the one way out on west Cantrell, or Highway 10, I guess, when you venture out that far. It’s not far to me since I live on that side of town. But to midtowners and Hillcrest dwellers, like my daughter Alexis, it’s kinda far I guess. In fact, she said it’s like driving to Hot Springs. She gets her exaggeratory skills from her mother I think.


Anyway, there I was walking into Kroger, pushing my little cart, checking myself out on the monitor above the glass doors in the cart storage area, surprised to see how white my hair looks. Must be a glare. Hey, at least there is hair, so color shouldn’t be a big deal. That’s one thing I’ve yet to do. Color my hair, that is. That, and join AARP.


I veered off to the right, toward the pharmacy. No, not to pick up some Grecian Formula. But I did need some shampoo. I’ve been using this stuff I borrowed from KM. I think it’s called Tresemme, for colored hair. Which means, as you’ve probably deduced by now, one of us does color her hair. 


This is the point in the story where a wise man would start deleting, or better yet, trash the whole thing. But let’s push on.


I found the shampoo aisle, which, surprising to an indifferent shopper like myself, needed an entire aisle to itself. But the really crazy thing is they have hundreds of other choices in a section they call “Clean Hands,” and even more on an aisle they call “Personal Cleansing.” Do we need separate cleansers for our hands and our personal stuff? It seems that if you use your hands to wash your personal stuff then the hands ought to get as many selections. They are doing all the work, right? And are we really supposed to clean our hands first, before we move onto the personal cleansing segment? 


The aisle began spinning so I quickly tried to refocus on why the heck I was even in this part of the store. What was it? Oh yeah, shampoo. 


I began looking for the Tresemme, but soon was distracted by Suave, which offered a “Salon Proven 2-in-1 for Thick and Full.” That sounded pretty good, but as I reached for it I saw, just to the left, Suave’s “3-in-1 Citrus Rush.” But there was nothing there about it being salon proven. I wasn’t interested in trying something that was still in the experimental stages.


So I turned back to the salon proven selection and, reading a little further down the bottle, saw that it was enriched with caffeine and infused with something called Chia. 


Good Lord. Whatever happened to Breck and Prell? 


Well, I had to have something, and then spotted another Suave product (they have about 80 or so) called “2-in-1 Ocean Charge.” It was also salon proven. It claimed to be a “Refreshing Shampoo made specifically for Men’s Hair.” The fine print on the back said it’s also an advanced formula ... light-weight … and formula enriched. They’re apparently big on formulas at Suave.


They even give directions! I had to wonder though, how many people walking around these massive store aisles, actually read the directions before they lather up with a new shampoo. And if they do, are they the kind of people you’d hire as your latex salesman?


They also listed the ingredients, and even though I was slightly concerned to find no mentioned of caffeine, or Chia, whatever the heck it is, I threw it in the basket and headed off to another aisle, thinking maybe it was time to try a new cereal.


This column was originally published on June 11, 2018.



  • Jay Edwards
    Jay Edwards