The New Norm
August 31 - September 6, 2020
Conspiracy theorist
By Cait Smith
caitlin@dailydata.com
It seems I have found myself working in the food industry for the first time. The experience has been quite interesting as I’m meeting new people every single day. Walks of life from north to east and west Arkansas venture into my job with hungry bellies and strong opinions – opinions about the pandemic that is. I have heard it all … from the coronavirus being a hoax to once the virus hits the air it dies off. But nothing tops the all-time tale I heard from this fellow whom I was waitressing last week.
Let’s call him Tim.
Tim strolled through the door wearing a black neck gaiter mask, dark sunglasses, and a dad cap that said, “I’m the boss.” Tim was seated in my section, so naturally I did as my job’s description tells me to do. I grab a napkin, approached Tim and introduced myself.
“Hi, my name is Cait. I’ll be server today. What would you like to drink?”
Tim removed his sunglasses, lowered his mask, and gave me a big smile. “Well, darling, there’s a lot you could give me but surprise me,” he replied back.
Unsure of his answer, I returned with a water because you can’t go wrong with water. After glancing at the menu, Tim give me his appetizer order and unneeded theory on how the pandemic really occurred. He said it never, in fact, started in China but rather right here in the U.S. A scientist name Jeffery discovered the virus in the 70’s but never told anyone about it. However, when the world was supposed to end in 2000 … or the Y2K event as some of you might recall, Jeffery revealed the virus to his colleagues.
Intrigued by the story, I hurried and ran an order to another table that was seated in my section then returned to Tim. “I’ve got you interested, huh?” he asked me. Indeed, he did. Tim explained how everyone thought Jeffery was crazy; how they didn’t believe in such a thing called the coronavirus. Eventually Jefferey resigned and spent his days in a basement conducting experiments.
This is where the story took a turn for the worse. Tim said when the first coronavirus case in the U.S. was declared on Jan. 22, 2020, Jeffery injected himself with a cure he had be working up in his basement for all those years. I asked Tim, “Well if Jeffery has the cure, how come he doesn’t share it with everyone?”
Tim responded with the wildest thing I had ever heard before. He said, “You remember that UFO that was confirmed by the Pentagon around April?” I nodded yes. “Well, apparently, the UFO took Jefferey and the cure with them. He has been gone since May. No trace of him anywhere.”
“Wow.” I said and walked to the kitchen laughing hysterically.
